Some how it seems the more I need people, or help, the less there is. I am just so fustrated right now both with my inability to cope and my real need for support, help with things or just someones god damn time. And the constant lacking there of. I feel like I must be asking too much of people which upsets me both at my remaining desire for it and it's unteasonablility and for the simple fact that if it were reversed no one would event need to ask for my time of help.

It's so dumb but it's just making everything so much worst. I feel so pathetic.

The Halifax Vegan Association (and yours truly) are putting out a vegan recipe zine for free distribution to the public. I'm hoping to get both zine copies printed to be sent up and maybe host a scanned version of the original for an e-zine and so other groups will be able to re-print and distribute the zine to spread the vegan love.

As such I will be hosting a Vegan Recipe Zine Workshop on Sunday January 31th 2pm-6pm at the Dalhousie Women's Center in Halifax N.S., including Pizza and a community Potluck.

More importantly, for the extended vegan community (This means YOU! Internet) I am still looking for any recipe submissions, going vegan stories, articles, art work or simple zine pages you would like to have published in this zine.

Feel free to send me submission via e-mail (bad_blanch_amanda at hotmail).

Stay Vegan!

Girl realize how much of her stuff, life, possesions, appearance, manurism etc come from friend and boy. Girl also realizes, friend and boy were the people she contacted about stuff like this and needing to talk. Girl tries to feel less lonely.

Recently though, my partner hooked up with my best friend which was a little upsetting given that neither one of them ask me about it or informed me until the second time it happened. Eventually that turned into a whole situation as my best friend is monogamous, so it wouldn't be fair to ask her to be in an open relationships, deep down my partner only agreed to the open relationship because I asked him to.

Both my friend and I discussed backing out and letting the other one be with him. Eventually, it was decided that they would rather have a monogamous relationship with the two of them.

So the story of my life repeats: boy likes girl, girl is indifferent/unsure to/about boy, boy asks to date girl, girl considers.... reluctantly/hesitantly accepts, they date, soon girl starts to have feelings for boy, begins to trust boy and like him, girl begins to enjoy/want relationship, girl begins to work on maintaining and accepting relationships, boy hooks up with girl's friend, fall out, discussion, boy decides girl's friend is the better option. Girl looses boy and friend.

Girl misses friend and boy.

I'm hopping this time, to avoid the second last part.. so here's hoping.

February the 14th... is vegan potluck, vagina monologues and then the second date ever......
Shop visits during the day? That's dateish right?
Potluck at 6pm
Vagina monologues at 8pm


Course this nixes the original dinner plans.. maybe try and fit those both in? Blah scheduling.

I love my boy, I just told him I needed him to join a group and post a shirtless photo to support a transboy who was banned for doing the same and explained how we are getting other trans boys and bio boys to post to show support and he's taking a new photo right now for it!

The group on facebook is called stop transphobia on facebook, and now that I have your attention I would ask all trans boys and bio-boys :
would you mind doing the same?

My dogs, cats values and friends are extremely important to me and no relationship will change that. And the simple fact is, if a mate cannot deal with that, it sucks, but it will end. By being clear like this it really makes it sound like mates are bottom rung and not important to me at all, which isn't the case... they just don't change the way my life runs, they become an important part of it to be certain but over all my life stays the same and I check the "plus 1".
And I need someone who can deal with that and who might be able to tell how I feel with out me having to carve it in stone or remind them. I don't say I love you or offer pep talks anymore than I do with friends, I do love them though it's just this 'in love' thing I'm confused on. I don't know when or how it happens, and I'm forever wondering if it's decent to involve yourself with others when you are still trying to figure yourself out. It was easy with Ricky because I didn't know him, or really care about him at all, at first. But if you do care but fail to be 'in love', what's the best course of action?


The simple fact is that dating me is pretty much like being friends with me, but somehow I always feel like mates are expecting more... and maybe they should be.

I am so horrible at this emotional stuff every time I even begin to contemplate it I find myself sounding like a robot. It sounds so logical and methodological that it risks sounding cold and heartless.

Is it really wrong to consider the prospects of a relationship and the logical components and factors before jumping in? It's not like it will ever be easy to find someone else interested in open relationships, but it statements just like that make the whole thing sound hallow when its not. Perhaps I am just so fucked up that the feelings I have for the guy aren't the deciding factors. There's liking him, and then theres the practicality.

I don't do mushy, and perhaps these feelings aren't as romance novel love story as they should be, maybe that's a reason to decline? But I've never had those feelings before, the closest I've ever had never worked out, and just because these feelings are different or not the same does exactly feel like a reason to disregard them.

Or is this all some unconscious selfish way to justify what I want to do?

I want an open relationship, so does he but I have to wonder if he expects this title or relationship status to change everything about us and our relationships, because I know it won't. With the distance, things will likely stay very similar to the way they are now, and visits home will always include time apart and little time alone.

I don't think I will ever be one of those 24/7 attentive joint at the hips kinda girl, nor would I want to be. But how do you tell someone who likes you this information without it sounding like a rejection or settling, because deep down it's not. It is simply full disclosure, which sounds cold despite the fact that I don't mean it to be. So in the end, would the yes I want to say be fair? Or would it simply hurt more.

Furnace is still broken, we have the choice of off or heat wave like it's the apocalypse.

It's snowing outside, so we chose on.... a few minutes ago blood started to drip onto my keyboard... from my nose. My new choice is to freeze.

Now, I've never been the short to imagine myself an adult, with a family in the traditional sense. In fact, I'm fairly certain the idea of having children of my own just isn't for me for a variety of ethical and political reasons. That being said, over all I feel there are a few core values and life chances I could pass down to someone else and maybe that factor will lead me to later reconsider my child free stance.

Regarless, the reason I opened this entry at all is it discuss an idea/wish I've had for a while. Playing around with the fantasy a bit, I started wondering about poverty in developed nations (because frankly, that's a situation much easier to fix). Thinking about all the little things that could be done to help families in need, single parent families in particular and the worst off single mother families or minorities. In my fantasy, I'm much older and have my life together, meaning I've become an adult.

With my settled adult status, suitable income, stable living arrangements etc. A home for a single individual (or in the particular scenario I imagined a decent sized house, myself and two children). The point is, a settled medium income lifestyle, with fixed living arrangements and extra room. Mind you this wouldn't be spacey or high end living, but as a simple short term solution to help a small number of people. Why don't financially stable people adopt families?

I'm not talking legal guardian ship, but a simple offer to a family in need of free room and board until they can accumulate enough to make it on their own. With two or more extra rooms, having another family live with you in your house is a relatively small step that would certainly make the world of difference. For a working professional (of some kind) that my future self was having someone else to share unpaid domestic work (which is shockingly undervalued in our society) would be a god sent. Providing that individual with free room and board of the materials I was already paying for just makes sense.

In the dream/fantasy whatever, my kids grew up with this kind of rotational house guest. Once one family was on their feet, another moved in and we said good bye. They learned the importance of community, domestic work, helping other and all that good jazz. Some families paid to live there, whatever they could manage. Others did helped to maintain the house or bought groceries or cooked a meal. The kind of things every day people do in their own homes and others, that frankly deserves to be recognized as work. I don't know who decided that cooking, home repairs, cleaning, tiding and maintaining a house wasn't real work, but they must have been some lazy ass sons of bitches.

The exact senario I had and was consider was, once I'm settled to open my home to single mother's and their kids, to give them one less expense a month. Eating at home with a family will save me the money of eating out and likely prevent the food waste I'm currently experiencing. Having extra sets of hands around is always helpful. And as long as I'm buying the food and things are vegan, with a lock on my door I don't really need much space.

maybe this is too idealistic, but i'm really hoping it's not.

Or his copy cat, cause this guy seemed to old to fit the previous descriptions. I am ridiculously tired now, because this had to happen when I was home alone and he had to be creepy at 5-6am, and police responce time has to be as slow as possible, so I was up until 7:45am. Getting Party back to sleep was a whole other story because he kept hearing shiitake and then freaking out.

I am fairly certain we woke up all our neighbors. Rottweilers are loud when they get pissed. The fun detaily story bits.


I was woken up by Party snarling, barking and growling. It was dark, confused I looked around, Party was doing that guard stance dog's have over me/between my window (basement bedroom, so the window is actually ground level). Confused I pushed him off, got up and tried to calm him down. Then I noticed the feet in my window, so I crept up and there was some random asparagus man standing in my neighboors driveway, hands on the chain link fence looking in my window. I yell out the window "Can I help you with something?"Party is now livid and up in the tiny window, spit flying. The guy looks at him and starts to shake the chain link fence at him and reach for the power line anchor and shake that too. My window is open and the screen is pulled back so I yellout "What's the hell's your problem?". The guy just stands there for a while not moving, this whole time Party is barking and probably defeaning the whole town. So I get my phone and call 911, but the operator cannot hear me over the dog and they keep asking me to back away from the dog. I'm yelling directions at them and the guy eventually walks off down the drive way and runs up the road.

Over an hour later I get a call from the cops and have to re-tell them everything that happened etc.

Probably would have been more affective to go outside and get the guy myself. Oh well, live and learn.



(p.s. anyone in halifax, ns near connaught ave past the shopping center, might wanna start locking your doors/windows and pulling blinds closed)

I finally confessed my feelings to someone I've been kinda half seeing for 5 years, turns out apparently he has some long distances internet thing he's hoping to be faithfull too. Bonus: After 5 years of touch and go, uncertainty and being strung along I finally have an responce and not a maybe

not so bonus: emotions are very illogical, so this has still be really upsetting.

Today consisted of laying in bed until 1, then going to the library alone to work on essays. I feel shitty and now it seems like everyone I know is to busy to go out with me, which sucks because I feel like being happy and distracted and somehow I don't think going out to eat alone and then going to the bar to drink alone will help any of this.

bah.

Scully is all "there is a known pretence for serial killers to be attracted to law enforcement. As such we aspired that perhaps you may be..."
Mulder "We found out you used to be a dog faced boy" :hands photo:

TACT DENIED

For the 3rd or 4th time this week I am wide awake at four am. Having just gotten home, after loosing a certain someone who was left alone for 10 seconds (possible new record in sealing a deal?). So I'll hopefully see him at the market tomorrow to give him back his hat and hear about his conquest.

We got in from dancing at Reflections which was awesome! There was a super cute and tiny short boy there, who was hot hot hot.

Guerrilla Gayfare before hand was also awesome! So many people were like "um... wtf is up with all these people wearing white?" etc. Super fun, I cannot wait for the next take over.

I also think it would be wise to never drink so much again.... I am soo thirsty it's not even funny... and now I cannot sleep. Stupid Booze, I feel nothing!!!! And vodka tonic maybe one of the more vile drinks in existence, tonic is ok, vodka is ok, who knew when combined they became toilet water?

God i really wish I certain someone would come online so I could talk to him, but chances are he won't so I should just go to bed and get up early tomorrow... shit.. where did my cell phone go, it has my alarm clock! Arg.. ok, I'm off to find that now.


Also according to Adam I may have gotten 'tipsy' for the first time ever, because when I tossed my head really quickly (I think I was getting something off the ground? and then tossed my upper body back up?) it made me dizzy. But who knows, I sure don't.

I'm not even entirely sure why I am writing this entry, but because it's 4am there isn't much else going on on the Internet.

Ok, the chances of him coming online are slim to none... maybe I'll dick around on the ppk for a bit.

I had a meeting with my prof, who wrote me this as a starting point for my mapping statement.... only 7 hours later I forget what it says and cannot read it.

The only words I can get now are First, I am ____ each(?) ___ ____ ___ subjective + _____ _________ ___ _____ of ___ Romo.

just a compilation on gaming related writings from the past 3 weeks that i've been re-posting/ sending to people a lot
Including questions regarding females working in gaming, a letter to valve and my general thoughts/impressions of l4d2
( Geeky stuff )
( Geeky stuff: questions on female employment in gaming, letter to valve and l4d2 impressions! )

Now, the one I'm looking at already has their quota one female bodied employee, but she knows little to nothing about video games.. so I plant to apply anyway. Here's the thing, I've never worked at a game store before, so how do I convey my love for video games and years of gaming experience in a resume?

Should I include my steam i.d. in the contact info?

I love valve, I honestly truly do, but I'm really getting frustrated with the lack of communication to fans/gamers/community. I mean, we're all on steam and this shorta thing takes 10 seconds and honestly the lack of communication is more disheartening than the delays, bugs, issues and fuck ups.

#L4D2 got gnome into helicopter, he fell. Jumped down, got him back, lost a player. Everyone in, I'm holding the gnome. A tank punches the gnome out of my hangs as the helicopter takes off. we watch it fall. Achievement DENIED.